The 5 stages of Grief

5 stages are something that all of us humans go through, especially after things like deaths, breakups, or losing someone or something. The trick is, handling each stage without the ill intent of continuing the feeling. As in, wearing out each stage until you move on to the next. The 5 stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I myself are in these stages, as I recently had a very heartbreaking breakup. One of the reasons I even started this blog was stemmed from that.

Let’s talk about the first stage: denial. So when I went through the denial stage I was distraught, hurt, didn’t know what my life was without this person. Truly, all I wanted was for them to say, “I’m sorry”, “I made a mistake”, “I need you back”. Those things are all part of our denial. As much as we hope and hope and wish it to be true, it isn’t going to happen. If it does, it’ll only hurt you further. As much as you wish and feel need for it, you don’t want it. It will only destroy your mind more. Thinking, “why did it happen in the first place then?”. Your mind will be so confused and hurt, and nothing will make sense. Of course, this is from the stance of a breakup. If someone abruptly leaves you, someone that was very important to you, these similar feelings will still be there. The confusion and hurt, not knowing how you can continue your life without that person in it. The biggest party of denial is having confusion, which is very normal and honestly their most frustrating feeling. That’s why this stage is so frustrating in the first place, the confusion our head can’t leave is grounding us and making us transition into anger.

Anger. A very dangerous place to be in. Anger can come with thrashing, acting out, saying hurtful things, all as a curtain to justify the hurt. It isn’t fair what happened to us, but anger is one of the worst routes to fall down. With anger you hurt the other person or other people in your life. You reject everyone and those that you reject are supposed to be your comfort. If you’re on the receiving end of someone in this grief stage, try hard to remember that the anger they may lash is never directed at you. It never has been, it is only a result and a friend to the confusion in denial. Anger in a grieving person will soon be released. In the 5 stages of grief, leaving the anger stage will happen, and each stage will fall as they are placed. It’s important to realize you’re in anger. If in the stage, when realizing it, it speeds up the process rapidly. This is making you actually move through the uncontrollable anger quicker. Processing and understanding that you feel anger with questions like, “why?”, “why me?”, are normal. So is constant remanence.

Remanence is like bargaining, in a sense. Holding onto what was just a bit longer, you aren’t screaming, thrashing, the confusion in your mind has receded. You have this sort of unstoppable clarity, making you feel better. Bargaining is hope, and hope is such a painful stage. With hope, your denial is accepted, your anger is gone, and now you just want things back. You want the suffering to end, the random intrusive thoughts and the splurges of memory. I find, religious or not, people often beg to God, begging for help. Bargaining is offering everything you have just for 1 thing back. Whatever that thing or person may be, you hope for that to return. Just as it was when it left, or when it was good, and you want it to stay forever. Bargaining is really a very dangerous stage. Falling too hard into it takes away the acceptance that was practiced in the other stages. Hope that hangs on for a while, all whilst trickling your mind that everything can work as you plea. The hope is a torture, as it makes you feel normal and yourself again. Bargaining isn’t realized when it goes away, as depression quickly slides under it to take place.

In the deep pull, agonizing strain of depression, that’s when we have our furthest down. The pit of depression falls so deep into your soul it can cause you real-world consequences. Depression like bargaining is also very dangerous. It’s unpredictable, confusing, yet at the same time nothing. Every heavy emotion is blanketed over a helpless feeling, one that makes us feel uncomfortable or simply like nothing. Everyone goes through their own types and levels of depression. It’s a fight that starts in your brain and hearts driven feelings, and escalates into lost hope. Depression isn’t necessarily sobbing, it can be the feeling of nothing. That sad feeling of nothing means you no longer see your goals, your aspirations, feelings, and plans for the future. Once those have been all curtained and shelved from our thinking, there isn’t anything that sits and runs us. Therefore, the feeling of nothing. The depression stage is agonizing, but necessary. It’s the biggest fight, the last battle, the push. It’s learning experience in the end, and something that we can be proud of. Making it through this tough stage is a giant accomplishment. You’ve won. So win, when you get to this stage, feel the emotions you’re feeling. If you don’t, you might never get past them. So feel them, cope with them, make it through the feelings as tough as they are to face. Trust, that in the end you’ll feel again.

Now relax, it’s your moment. You’ve gotten through it all and the pains and sufferings are feeling so far now. You might even forget most of the feelings and memories of the hardships, because you’ve won a crazy journey of pain. Acceptance is the blessed ending that moves us forward. Life returns, your aspirations, hopes, dreams, goals, can all be achieved but only you. You have the people that helped you to thank, you have yourself to thank and yourself to forgive. Breathe now, realize that you’ve won a hard challenge that humans will just experience. It just happens to all of us. Loss is a battle that is wrenching to our bodies and mind, but reaching acceptance can help us forget about all that, and simply go back to living. Acceptance makes you feel ok with what you’ve lost. It won’t hurt anymore when the memories come back intrusively, and the feeling of crying, or anger, or depression won’t be gruesome and stab unexpectedly into your feelings. You are you, and get to move forward without the suffering of the loss.

In my own experience, certain techniques have helped me. Communication with those I love and close to me help me to move through some of these stages. Communication eventually will numb the memories, and I am thankful to those that sat and listened to me. I’m grateful that they stayed to comfort me no matter how many times they watched me cry or repeat the same things. I also listen to a lot of music, it’s a sound that intrudes intruding memories and thoughts, and all the while, help me personally to feel better. Music helps me to breathe, and to feel certain moods and emotions as they are meant to be. It makes me feel like my feet are back on the Earth, separating my mind from my body. Taking a moment to get my mind back on control. I also write, as I am able to think clearer after doing so. No matter the topic I’m given, I would love to write about it, the only problem I get is being able to stop. I love writing analyses, or creative writing like ones on my story page. Journals and emotions, philosophy and ethics, a prince and a pauper. Writing helps me, because it is what I aspire to do. The things that we love to do are amazing distractions to grief. It reminds us that this “thing” that makes us feel better and happier is our rock solid hobby that centers us. It is so vastly different for every person. Humans have a hobby and something that they love that helps ground them. Holding onto that hobby and activity throughout these stages is good for us, as it helps us remember who we are and what we love. All of us humans will suffer and be ridiculously happy throughout our lives, and it’s a good thing that we will have those experiences, it’s life.